


Excess

by AFineShrine



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alcohol/Drugs, Angst, Depression, Suicide, brief self harm mention, suicidal ideations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8139574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AFineShrine/pseuds/AFineShrine
Summary: Beth looks back as she waits on the train platform.





	

**Author's Note:**

> T/W for self harm, suicide, alcoholism/drug addiction, and depression.

          As Beth stands on the train platform, her mind goes back. Back to the first time she ever hurt herself with a pair of dull scissors. Back to the first sip of whisky, and the first time she took a pill to numb the pain. Back to her first attempt, with the belt she wore every day, and the second, with her pistol. Both times she stopped just shy of the end point, but she has a good feeling about this. “Third time’s the charm, right?” Beth sighs, a quiet noise in the middle of the loud train station. She looks at the clock for what feels like the hundredth time since she arrived, and swears under her breath. “ _Fuck_ , 20 more minutes”. She’s been waiting for an hour now, each minute getting progressively longer. _This is_ not _helping my anxiety_ , she thinks. _Why the fuck did I get here so early._ Her foot tapping against the foot of the bench she’s sitting on makes the same noise echo out across the station every few seconds, and it’s driving her insane.

 _I wonder what Art’s doing right now. Probably trying to come up with some new lie to help cover my worthless ass._ She fidgets in her seat, uncomfortable at the thought of him wasting his time on a lost cause like her. “Dipshit always cared too much”, she laughs as she says it, perhaps to cover up how much she actually cares, too. _He was always too good to me. Even after Maggie… shit, stop it Childs, not the time._ She tries to remember a time before all of this, but struggles. _How much of my time could I have saved if I actually went through with it the first time? How many lives have I ruined? I definitely could have spared the others’ time too._ She thinks of Cosima. Katya. _Alison. Fuck. I’m so sorry, Ali. I know I promised to call you if I got this bad again. I know you made me promise to quit the drugs. I can’t believe I’m letting you down again._ She thought about leaving a note, but it seemed too impersonal. She knows Alison would read and re-read that note hundreds, thousands of times, just to try and see what went wrong. And she can’t do that to her.   _What would I even say? ‘Yeah, that thing we always talked about me doing finally happened, but I was too chickenshit to ask for help’. Ha, maybe. ‘I love you so much, and this was not your fault’? Too cliché. _She’s fucked up too many times to drag Alison into the last one. _Hey, the last fuck-up. Kind of a calming thought, isn’t it?_

          5 minutes now. 5 minutes until all of the stress, all of the anxiety, all of the emptiness ends. There’s one thing left she hasn’t thought about. _Paul. Fucking Paul._ All of these years, she’s trusted him, and for what? She should have known; nobody could have actually loved her that much. _Of course he was a fucking monitor. The one relationship I don’t actually fuck up and it’s not even real. All the times he said he loved me, all a lie. Like it was a goddamn GAME to him. Where the f-_ Her train of thought is cut off by someone nearby, yelling at a payphone, but can barely make out what the girl’s saying. It doesn’t matter anyway. _When did I start crying?_ She glances at the clock. 2 minutes. _Fuck, no chickening out this time, Childs._ She stands up, takes off her jacket and shoes, and sits her purse down. _Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out._ She hears the train coming down the tunnel, the lights just barely visible at this distance. She hears the girl from earlier walking closer, and turns to look. One last human connection. _Of course. Of FUCKING course she’s an Identical. Why wouldn’t she be?_ The train is almost there. It’s now or never.

          She steps forward.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this isn't really that good, but I've had it rattling around in my head for a while and needed to get it out. Hope someone got something out of my depressing rabble lol.


End file.
